Valentine’s Day – you either love it or you hate it. But the bottom line is, most people want do want love. So how do you prepare yourself for the right kind of love and relationship you want in your life? Mental health therapist and relationship coach Kongit Farrell shares with us her tips on dating detox for single women seeking love.
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As modern women, many of us have been conditioned to “make things happen” in our lives, and while this is a great strategy in the board room, it doesn’t always produce the results we want in love. Being on the hunt for too long can leave us exhausted, hurt, unfulfilled and without hope, and that is not a place where any of us want or deserve to be. So what can we do about it? What is the next move when we feel like we’ve exhausted all of our strategies to get the love that we desire? The next best move might not be any move at all. Sometimes all we need is some cleansing to gain a fresh perspective on the aspects of our life where we want to see change and growth. If this sounds good to you, it might be time for a dating detox. Here are a few suggestions on how you can start your journey to cleansing and renewing your love life: 
Take a Dating Vacation. Stop and take time to evaluate where you are and where you want to be. Stop dating, stop looking, stop strategizing – just be. Spend some time reconnecting with who you are – both as a successful professional and woman. Are you fulfilled in your work? Are you taking good care of your body? Are your finances in order? It may not seem like it at first glance, but lasting love is a holistic endeavor; the more that you have your own house in order, the easier it will be to attract a mate that has the same. That is not to say that your life has to be perfect – there are many wonderful things you can do with your mate in building your dream life together – but taking care of yourself and having your own foundation in place will provide you with more security and confidence, both of which will help you to attract a healthy mate when you are ready to get back in the game.
Determine What Dating Means for You. We tend to get so caught up in the fun of dating (and the rituals associated, a la hot new shoes and outfits) that we sometimes forget what the process of dating is about. From a biological perspective, dating is the process by which we evaluate a person to determine if they will be a suitable intimate partner – and that can mean different things based on your goals. Perhaps you are dating to find lasting love and marriage, or an activity partner, or a physical connection. It’s important to know what you want from a relationship if you want to avoid the undue stress and drama that comes with haphazard dating. With a clear understanding of your dating goal, you can invest more time and energy in relationships that are likely to give you the quality of relationship that you desire, and not waste precious time on dates that will cause you suffering and heartbreak (and a need for more frequent detox sessions)!
Forgive and Let Go. If you want to move forward in a substantial way in your love life, you must train yourself to stop looking back. This is a challenge because the fantasy of past relationships can often look wonderful when we are not quite cemented in our next relationship – but keep in mind that your past relationships are in your past because either you or your former mate wanted it that way – and you should honor that. One of the ways you can really let go of the past is by forgiving yourself and your former partner. When we are wronged in a relationship, our feelings of hurt and anger stem from failed expectations. When you forgive, you are in essence accepting the reality of the situation and mourning the loss of the unfilled expectations. It doesn’t have to do with the other person at all. As a matter of fact you can forgive a person without them ever knowing or without you ever forgetting. As soon as you evaluate the situation, accept it’s reality and mourn the loss of your UN-fulfilled expectation, you can move on! Moving on is great because you no longer invest your sacred time or psychic energy in a situation and relationship that no longer serve your positive evolution – and as you know, time is your most precious commodity.As soon as you evaluate the situation, accept it’s reality, and mourn the loss of your un-fulfilled expectation – you can move on! Moving on is great because you no longer invest your sacred time or psychic energy in a relationship that no longer serves your positive evolution. Life is entirely too short to keep hauling past hurts and resentments along, and forgiveness is an important personal practice because it allows you at least one silver-lining from a negative relationship; it allows you to move on.
Taking the time to detox from your dating life is a wonderful opportunity for you to develop a deeper perspective on yourself, your past, what you really want from a relationship in the future. When you take the time to stop, evaluate, and let go of what needs to be let go, you put yourself in a much better position to have the healthy, thriving, love life that you want and deserve. In the wise words of The Supremes, “You Can’t Hurry Love,” and while you wait, rejuvenate, and refresh, set yourself up for success and prepare yourself for the best!
Kongit Farrell holds an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a B.S. in Communications from the University of Southern California. She is the Membership Chair of the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists (Los Angeles Chapter). For more information on Kongit Farrell, or to find out about in-person, Skype and phone coaching sessions, please visit her website at http://kongitfarrell.com.
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